In America, we spend what seems to be an inordinate amount of time focusing on the lives of our political leaders/potential political leaders. Inordinate, that is, compared to other countries like France or Australia, where I’ve heard leaders are elected based on how well they plan their massive orgies and how many likes one gets on his/her genital selfies.
It really is a shame to see how other countries aren’t as enlightened as us Americans. Of course, ideas and policy records are important considerations to be made when making one’s decision, but there are many more important things to consider, and I, the internet’s most revered (albeit entirely unknown) blogger of politics and sexual puns, am here to inform the ignorant, non-U.S. first-world of what those important things are.
So cuddle up with your jar of Vegemite and enjoy this list, just as you enjoy the oppressive comforts of socialized medicine.
1. Perfect Family = Perfect Man = Perfect Country
Here, in ‘Merica, we have a pretty concrete idea of what constitutes a wholesome family. Beyond the white picket fence, we expect to see some gorgeous, happy faces having a barbecue picnic in their green pasture of a backyard and playing with a golden retriever named something stupidly simple– like Buddy. And that’s also how we like to describe our idea of the perfect family: stupidly simple.
We don’t ask for frills. We don’t ask for those willing to break cliches. No, all we ask is for two people to be involved in a monogamous relationship, produce a good amount of bright-faced children, and go to church every Sunday (-ish; as Christian a nation as we are, we don’t really expect anyone to be too Christian).
Of course, that’s what we want out of our politicians. How strange would it be to elect someone to the presidency who is single? Who would be the first lady (or gentleman– LOL, jk)?
Or someone who is -God forbid- divorced? Any rational person knows that someone who is divorced cannot emotionally or morally handle office. The second the constituency starts complaining about how he didn’t carry out his tax policy as promised, he will throw his hands in the air and say, “I just can’t do this anymore. I need a a little time for myself.” Next thing you know, he hasn’t returned to the legislature in weeks, and rumors have it he’s bought a new condo in Long Island with a new super PAC.
This is why the aforementioned family structure is needed. If you can’t pose for a smiling, insta-worthy picture with your beautiful family, you can’t be elected leader. It’s in the constitution. Somewhere.
2. A Godless Man is a Dangerous Man
By “dangerous” I don’t just mean he wears leather, drives a motorcycle, and parks in illegal places, all in an effort to overcompensate for his erectile issues. I don’t just mean he’ll discard all the promises he made on the campaign trail. I don’t just mean he’ll try to kick his enemies out of Congress or break into the Democratic headquarters.
No. A man who does not believe in a god will, once given a powerful seat, exceed all your expectations for what he is capable of. He will not only undermine the Constitution, he will burn it on live television while chanting excerpts from the Communist Manifesto and then throw its ashes directly in the eyes of onlooking infants. He will not only overextend his executive power, he will entirely dissolve the other two branches of government so that our nation’s legislative structure will no longer look like a balanced, three-pronged tree of democratic tranquility, but a giant, phallic-looking thing with the bloated, uncircumcised head of dictatorship. He will not only ignore our veterans and military, he will pull the troops from their posts and put all of our servicemen and women (both former and present) into gay-conversion camps, where they will be forced into a life of homosexuality and a capella. Soon enough, everyone who is willing and capable to fight for our country’s freedom will be too busy fornicating and singing Lady Gaga songs to protect the American people.
You see, it is necessary for a leader to be God-fearing. One who guides inevitably has to rely on someone to guide him, and who is a better guide than the ultimate spiritual leader: David Hasselhoff.
Unfortunately, Mr. Hasselhoff won’t be around with us forever. We have to turn to someone more permanent, so it’s a good thing we have Jesus.
Of course, someone who believes in a god is better than someone who believes in no god at all (I’m trying to avoid writing “atheist” or “agnostic” because I can feel the sin running through my veins when I do), but it is much, much more preferable to have a Christian than someone of any other religious affiliation. Sure, the Jews are great, especially for the comedy industry, but I’m pretty sure they were sent by the devil to harvest children’s souls to keep Sheldon Adelson alive. Buddhists are usually too high or “zen” to do anything productive. Hindus worship terrifyingly deformed idols with, like, three boobs– completely indicative of psychosexual imbalance. And Muslims are just no. No. No. No.
If we want to save America from moral degeneration, we need to pay less attention to candidates’ positions on foreign policy and more to this position:
3. The Dick = The Decision Maker
What this means is: if he can’t handle his penis, he can’t handle this country. So many great men have fallen, dragged down by the weight of guilt his genitals must carry, because he lost control. It is the responsibility of the American public to continue to hold the man and his penis accountable for his/their actions.
It might be interesting to point out that there was a time when less attention was paid to politicians’ phallic friend. Thomas Jefferson, Franklin Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, MLK (not a politician, but close enough), Lyndon Johnson, and many others were led astray and into the depths of the wrong vagina. But these stories didn’t stir up as much media attention as they would’ve today. The media of those years, for some reason, didn’t bother to pry extensively into the personal lives of its representatives. Unfortunately, more focus was put on stuff like foreign policy, civil rights, and the latest in wig fashion.
It’s a tragedy they missed all the important stuff. Since all these figures have passed, it’s pointless to dig up their philandering past now. We can safely tuck them into history with eternal reverence, forgiving all their misdoings as we know for sure that they and their penises no longer pose a threat to society. To best honor their memory, we must turn to those who lead us now and make sure they do not follow the wayward actions of these beloved figures.
One can point out the fact that all these men served pretty well (for the most part), even if they had committed a blunder down under. They may not be everyone’s American idol, but at least their names aren’t synonymous with political corruption like, say, the virtuous Nixon whose ballsy buddy never left his custody– just like the Watergate tapes.
Does this prove that one’s personal life does not fully represent the political one? Of course not! Why? I don’t have to give you an explanation. I just provided you with a wealth of penis puns and alliterations; don’t be greedy.
4. Politicians– “They’re just like us!”
We Americans like to look at those who are outrageously more attractive, smarter, and wealthier than we are and think, “You know, if you really think about it, we’re not that different.”
And after a lot of research, I’ve concluded that… it’s totes true!!
People like watching people who are #sorelatable. It makes one feel connected to greater beings who live in a world so far out of one’s reach.
It’s not easy for us to accept that, in actuality, anyone who is able to get recognized on such a large scale, especially if that scale is the whole entire nation, is probably a rich, well-educated individual who in another era would’ve called everyone else peasants and wore a robe made out of diamonds. Democrat, Republican, whatever Bernie Sanders is– they’re all rich white people or lucky minorities who snuck into that group. Accepting that would also be accepting that we should just focus on their political record, their ideas, and the credibility of their ideas based on their record.
No, an American leader must prove to the public that he can fit in in any neighborhood in America, that he just happens to be fortunate enough to be chosen as one of the most prominent figures in the country. Being rich and powerful doesn’t disconnect him from the Average Joe and Jessie at all!
This is why Hillary Clinton is bound by election laws to adopt the accent of whichever region she is speaking in, and why Romney had to develop a love of grits to win over the Southern states. And it is especially why candidates must be photographed shoving various forms of hearty meat-products down their throats because not doing so would be elitist. Heart-attacks must be endured to show how down-to-earth one is!
5. Personal Lives are More Entertaining Than Social Security
It’s a clear fact that we give politicians and political candidates the full celebrity treatment (at least the cool ones, anyway). We put them on the cover of gossip magazines, we crave their presence on talk shows, and we do not hold back if we see one of them committing a fashion faux-pas. (Cough. Mom jeans. Cough.)
The reasoning is simple enough: all the other stuff is boring. No one really wants to hear depressing details about ISIS or how Congress debated over the latest budget deal. In fact, I almost fell asleep just writing that sentence (fortunately, after seeing that picture of David Hasselhoff, I will never sleep again). In order to keep the public interested and engaged in the national dialogue, we have to entertain them, and politics can be incredibly entertaining when spun from the right angles.
We say we’re disgusted at Anthony Weiner for his affinity for penis photography, but we’re actually thankful for the lifetime of dick jokes this provides us with. We compare Clinton’s infidelity to Watergate, but we’re actually waiting anxiously for the sexy HBO mini-series on the fiasco. Yes, we will only elect leaders with near-perfect social records, but we also want to see a handful of people with flaws we can laugh at, ridicule, and create funny memes out of. We go to extraordinary lengths to unveil these flaws, even at the expense of ignoring more potent information.
That’s what we do as a country, choosing based on the brand of a candidate rather than his/her policies, so that in the end, it is whoever has the better publicity team who gets the power. We don’t seek a candidate who will actually embody and act upon the principles of the people, but someone who looks like they will.
This process will once again be magnified for the rest of the world to see during the next presidential election, and as they do, I hope they will take notes.
Your beloved blogger,