As you all may very well know, college is an institution for the nation’s brightest minds who choose to gear their intelligence and hard-work toward fulfilling society’s standards of success and surrounding themselves with people who can make them feel depressingly inferior for four years. It is truly the golden age of one’s life.
At first, I didn’t know if I was cut out for it. When I was first dropped off at this wonderful institution, left alone by my formerly loving parents to fend for myself against a world of drunken young adults and overpriced textbooks, my excitement toward starting my new, independent life was replaced by a crushing anxiety. This anxiety led to me crying under the covers for the first few weeks and an ill-written blog post expressing my sorrows. Never before has Bloggity been so saturated with insecurity and self-pity, almost reaching Kim Kardashian-meme heights.
However, after completing my first semester without failing, dying, or contracting STD’s, I consider myself successful enough to offer advice to those preparing to enter into their first year in the fall. In almost a month, I can officially say I survived my freshman year of college (assuming I don’t fail my classes in the days to come, which is quite possible, or catch a particularly vicious genital virus, which is slightly more possible). I can’t imagine a more qualified person to pass on such wisdom to the younger generation, except for maybe Taylor Swift.
I can write a whole 10-page essay on this topic, with attached annotated bibliography and footnotes, but ain’t nobody got time for dat (especially someone who is currently procrastinating on a major project by blogging).
I believe that for my lovely, non-existent readers, a simple how-to list would suffice. If not, I’m sorry you’re going to have to live with it, you greedy little bitches.
THE LIST. *DRUM ROLL* *HARMONICA SOLO* *ACAPELLA SING-OFF* *TRUMPET PROCESSION*
1. Go to ALL the Welcome Events
You may think it’s very freshman of you to do this, you may think some of the events are lame, you may be tired of all the over-spirited student representatives punching you in the face with school spirit (that’s not a hyperbole– college can get pretty violent), but these events can help you become more comfortable with your new environment and make your transition easier.
Or maybe not.
The main reason to go is “free” stuff. You’re technically already paying for it through your tuition (because your school would rather use your/your parents’ precious funds toward frisbees and water bottles than textbooks), so why not get involved? These events could also be great places to make new friends, unless you’re an antisocial, reclusive freak like me– in which case you won’t. You’ll wait until you can get back to your dorm so you can call your parents and beg them to take you back home.
“No Lisa, you have to tough it out. Dad and I have already given all your stuff away to the orphans.” Blah blah blah…
2. Give your professors a wonderful first impression
When you first greet them, don’t just simply greet them– pull out a box of Lindt chocolate truffles, a handful of freshly picked daisies, and a basket full of apples and perform an elaborate, choreographed dance around them. After you finish, simply shake their hands, introduce yourself, and find a seat right up near the front. Better yet, sit right at their desk to get the full experience. Conversely, you could just make intense eye-contact with them throughout the whole lecture; they love that.
By the end of the semester you will get either an A or a restraining order. Or both. So much bang for your many college bucks.
3. Develop a deep hatred for someone in your class
This, along with giving you an outlet for all your frustrations, can also provide wonderful entertainment, especially if you have friend you hate them as much as you do.
You may be wondering, “Well what if I don’t hate anybody in my class? What if I become BFFs with all of them, and we all get together for sleepovers and baking parties?”
To that, I say, “No.”
College is filled with a lot of smart and lovely people, but among them are a bunch of pretentious pricks on every corner of campus. They will raise their hands for every question (and A LOT of non-questions), interrupt other people (including the professor), and be the most obnoxious piece of crap in your life. You will hate them passionately, and you will not be able to do anything about it besides giving them angry stares from across the room.
Well, that and creating elaborate fantasies about them getting hit by a bus.
4. Steal stuff from the dining hall
The closest your conformist butt will get to a life of crime is this. Oh, the thrill you get when you dash out of the dining hall, away from the piercing eyes of the cafeteria workers, and breathe in the fresh relief of escape with your new-found goodies. I suggest swiping the fruit and fresh veggies, since there probably won’t be a lot of places to get these around campus, and they’re a better snack alternative than potato chips or heroin. Ugh, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been tempted to grab for my stash during late-night study sessions.
Don’t limit yourself to just food, though. You can also take utensils, dinnerware, napkins, salt-shakers, chairs, tables, and decor. Save money on your dorm by furnishing it with freebies from the dining hall. It’s really great if you’re into the cheap and tacky aesthetic– and who isn’t?
5. Find the weirdos
There are a lot of different types of groups in college, but unlike in high school, they’re not as exclusive and cliquey anymore.
Among all these different groups, you will find yours. They will be the oddest of all the oddballs you’ll meet, and not necessarily the type of people you thought you would be hanging out with, but you will adore them.
I found mine. They’re pretty awesome, and they’re one of the few reasons I’ve been able to make it so far.
That’s my take on College Survival 101. I hope it offered you at least some help and/or entertainment. If it didn’t, you just wasted a good few minutes of your life, minutes you will never get back, minutes that have been loss in the wide expanse of time, minutes that have defined you and who you are at this very minute— this very living moment of your life.
Your beloved blogger,