Fellow millennials, let us all come together in our anxiety and stress to sort through some solutions to one of our nation’s biggest problems: the alarmingly high prices of yoga pants and leggings.
[Note: I just wrote a bunch of witty, meaningful words and for some reason my computer just deleted it all. CURSE YOU BILL GATES. I will try to recreate what I had previously written to the best of my ability. I just wanted you to know how very angry and frustrated I am. I am very angry and frustrated.]
Today, however, we will focus on a more pressing issue and one that also deals with excessive monetary costs. It’s too bad this one can’t also make your butt look fantastic during a workout (or, let’s be honest, a brisk walk to Starbucks).
The issue is college.
Reaching to this stage in one’s educational journey used to be seen as an honorable and monumental achievement. One that would secure you at least some possibility of not rotting and dying on the street or working at McDonald’s (whichever you think is worse).
A look at the growing costs of college and job outcomes in today’s statistics have many parents and students second guessing if four years worth of classes and day-drinking are worth its heavy price tag. After all, what is a degree but a fancy piece of paper you can show your friends in your parents’ basement?
In these situations, loans seem to be the only solution. But the numbers there are not very encouraging either. The Direct Plus Loan (the federal loan that requires guardian involvement for undergrads and can cover the whole cost of education, unlike other federal loans) carries an interest rate of 7.21%, and the numbers on private loans can make one want to vomit. Literally. I just had to stop writing this for a while and run to the bathroom after looking at the statistics and reading all the horror stories.
If scholarships and personal income are not sufficient to cover the bill, many may be wondering if it is even possible to pay for higher education without having to borrow a suffocating amount of money (I use “suffocating” because that is the federal government’s new method of extracting payments from graduates; 100% effective and approved for use by the CIA).
As a college student, I too share the same pains and worries as my peers and future peers. Luckily, I have developed a list of ways to finance my education without having to turn to the government or private lenders.
As a blogger, I have decided to share this list with the world– or at least that small, minuscule part of the world that reads my blogs. A.K.A. the best part.
I hope this will help you as much as my history degree will help me.
1. Body Parts
…who needs them, really? They’re just things. Material things. And if there’s one thing Disney TV programs have taught me, it’s that material things don’t matter, only hot guys who play the guitar and understand your feelings do.
So which parts, exactly, can you sell to obtain your coveted degree? The answer is any and all, with the exception of your brain (you’ll need that for learning) and your genitals (you’ll need those for sexual experimentation). Other than those, your body is basically an untouched treasure trove of financial possibilities. Your body parts can be put to better uses in so many places; don’t be selfish and hoard them to yourself.
Speaking of selfishness, it is important for me to emphasize that you should never donate your organs/blood/hair for free. The American Red Cross has stolen from many the naive student; don’t be one of them. In order to be an educated and respected member of society, you cannot afford to be charitable. That is also why you should never give any loose change to those annoying Salvation Army bell-ringers; instead, grab the bucket and run away. This is a tip that wasn’t good enough to make the list, but I thought it was still worth squeezing in somewhere.
Here are some of what I think are the best pieces of the human anatomy to sell for profit:
-Your blood. Again, don’t waste this precious resource by merely donating it to the blood bank. I’m sure there’s an ill person out there somewhere willing to pay top-dollar for a pint of Type A. And when you drain, drain until you lose consciousness and skin color. This will also help prepare you mentally for your first alcoholic blackout in college.
-Your hair. From alopecia patients to cancer patients, there are many in the market for your precious locks. Sure, it may seem immoral, but part of being an adult is losing your sense of morality. Grow up, sissies! There are many non-profits out there who provide free wigs made out of real, donated hair for patients, but the same goes for your hair as for your blood: don’t be a sucker. If you have good enough hair, and are willing to sell it, someone will buy it. Don’t buy into the senseless, donation game and its foolish participants.
-Your sperm. If you’re a guy or slightly abnormal girl, sperm is an obvious choice. You produce it daily, so there’s plenty to spare, and you can help provide one lucky woman with something her inadequate spouse cannot.
-Your eggs. If you’re a girl, nature has also endowed you with the capability to pay off at least one semester worth of books. Unlike with sperm, however, eggs do not replenish daily. Conversely, you lose hundreds every time you have your period. (I know, just another thing to hate about periods.) But at 17/18/19/20/21 (?) years-old, you still have a couple hundred to work with, and one cycle of eggs can go for thousands of dollars. Seriously. You just have to pass an exclusive application process, just like you’ve already done! See? College is already preparing you for financial success.
2. Other People’s Body Parts
It’s understandable if you are too scared or protective of your physical self to give anything up in the name of knowledge. In this case, keep in mind that there is no rule-book that says you are limited to your own person. There is a wealth of bodily resources out there for you to harvest. Outside your door, there are so many other, less-promising individuals who will be more than obliged to help out a struggling student.
If they aren’t, who cares. Another important lesson in becoming an adult is that you need to always be bold and never take no for an answer, and that includes pleas like, “No… don’t take my organs!”
Don’t be scared. Forced organ harvesting is not a market strictly for urban legends and Mexico anymore; you, too, can get into the action.
So go out there and kill people! Well, try not to kill them, but you probably will. It’s not like you know surgically remove kidneys in a safe and sufficient manner; if you did, you wouldn’t need to go to school.
Side note: “So go out there and kill people!” is the name of my upcoming guidebook on how to be successful during the zombie apocalypse.
3. Become a Prostit– I mean financially-cared-for-partner-of-a-rich-individual
I do not like the term “gold-digging” because I believe it belittles a perfectly normal, functioning relationship between two devoted people. Unlike in regular relationships, both parties know they will get something out of the connection, and they are secure in the knowledge that neither party is wasting the other’s time. There are so many silly strings attached with arrangements where “love” is expected, and that is why they either end in disappointment or death. With a “mutually beneficial” relationship, all of those silly strings don’t exist.
As a college student or potential college student, you do not have time for all those silly strings; even more important, you cannot afford all those silly strings. Unless it’s this type of silly string:
So pack up your dignity and send it to someone who needs it (maybe to the person whose organs you just stole). You can say bye-bye to loans and hello to the easy life when you agree to exchange your body for monetary compensation in a completely legal manner.
If you think it would be too difficult for you to meet one of these affluent bachelors or bachelorettes without the right connections, welcome to the internet. Yes, it’s home to more than porn and cat memes.
There are websites like sugardaddie.com or the more sophisticated, better-for-your-history looking seekingarrangement.com that function like regular dating websites. The difference is, the person on the other end knows what you’re looking for long before that first, awkward coffee date, making everything a lot less confusing and a lot more direct. And don’t we all strive for directness in our romantic relationships?
This is an actual thing. In an overview of the sites’ population, a large portion of users (those on the “receiving” end) have been found to be desperate college students, needing money to pay for their many expenses and having no other way to get it. In fact, on sites like seekingarrangement.com, you can create your profile using your .edu or school email to get special features and the title of “college babe” or something like that. I’m not kidding. I know it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between when I’m trying to be funny and when I’m relaying facts, but this is true.
It’s kind of a way of selling your body without actually giving up anything. Unless you count “soul” as a body part.
4. Become Prince’s Step-Stool
He’s an outrageously wealthy and extravagant performer who’s only 5’2. This has to be a job.
5. Just Sneak In
If your dream school has a large student population with classes usually exceeding 50 people, just pull your best Bruce Jenner and try to look like you fit in where you obviously don’t.
No one will notice if you’re discreet and know what you’re doing. Obtain a copy of the class listings, their locations, and their times. Then, simply show up. It’s probably more than what registered students will do most of the time (ahem).
Sit down, pull out your supplies that you had plenty of money for since you didn’t pay a cent for your education, and start learning. If the professor decides he/she wants to take attendance and notices that he/she did not call your name, just take the name of someone who didn’t show up. “Oh, Bob isn’t here? Then, yes, I am Bob,” said the tiny, Asian girl confidently, with a radiant smile to dash away the professor’s suspicions.
Get involved on campus. Join clubs, teams, and cults. Campaign for a spot in the student government. Get into Greek life, if that’s your thing. Network and make friends. Start dating. Not just students but TAs, professors, and administrators. Don’t worry; there’s nothing wrong with it since they’re not actually your TAs, professors, and administrators (unbeknownst to them). Have sex. Lots of it. With all people. Of all genders and sexualities.
You’ll get the full college experience without paying anything!
When the penultimate time comes for graduation, just remember to show up. Most likely, someone got really hammered the night before and will miss the entire ceremony. Wait for the opportunity, and grab Bob’s diploma. Woody Allen put it best when he said, “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
Sad that your name isn’t on the document? Some white-out and a sharpie will do in no time.
Then, all you have is a couple hours of awkward photos left, and there’s a lifetime of success and financial security ahead of you. Is that not the American dream?
There you have it! Five brilliant ways to solve your money and educational troubles. No longer will you or your parents be staying up past midnight worrying about student debt and potential bankruptcy. Your minds will be filled with what it deserves to be filled with: porn and cat memes.
If, after reading this blog, you think I’m some sort of morally degenerate human being who gives awful advice and indulges in a sick sense of humor, how dare you! I’ll make all the Jenner-Kardashian jokes I want!
I would also like to remind you that you have limited solutions outside of what I have just provided. If you are short on money for your education and choose to disregard my tips, your only other hope is that Congress will soon work together to lower federal student loan interest rates, create better payment plans for graduates struggling to pay back loans, and make college, in general, more affordable for students, so that they see it as a big investment, not a game of life-or-death.
Good luck with that.
Your beloved blogger,