How to Handle Anger Without Murder

I consider myself a pretty pleasant person.

I’m funny, generous, easy-going, and I like long walks on the beach (this is both a blog and a personal ad… hey boys). But often times, especially now with all the college, what-am-I-doing-with-my-life stress, I find myself succumbing to sudden spouts of anger and frustration. Usually, these emotions are aimed at other people, making me want to aim other things at these people.

On other occasions, the anger is clearly and directly aimed at myself, but because it’s so difficult to hate myself considering the wonderful darling that I am (see the beginning of this piece), I once again direct that anger at other people.

This is not healthy, especially if you like maintaining amiable relations with those around you. No one wants to be friends with someone prone to shouting tantrums, insults, and the occasional act of violence.

Don’t worry, it’s just a little bonfire (fueled by kindling and the damned souls of my enemies).

Such a friendless state could lead to even grander and more potent stages of anger. Who will you bitch to now? Eventually, you’ll have to turn to the internet and leave comments like the following on cute cat videos: “Why the fuck are you exploiting your pets like that, you abusive, tyrannical, communist piece of shit?? I hope you die in a puddle of your own blood!”*

In an effort to educate my non-existent readers on the way of controlling your rage, I have decided to list a couple of ways one could handle his/her negative emotions positively. After all, you will realize after you get over this state that the world is really one shining, beautiful haven full of rainbows, daisies, and all of your stupid ex-boyfriends. Then you will be happy you didn’t go through with your well-thought out murder plot on Shirley, that bitch from human resources who’s always giving you a bad look.

Happy reading, lovelies.


1. Exercise

This is one of my new year’s resolutions, anyway. Yay for killing two birds with one stone! Exercise is a great way to forget your troubles, because you won’t be able to think much about them when your legs are dying, your lungs are on fire, and you’re drowning in your own sweat. Fun fun fun. Also, why are you so out of shape?

I also find that this is the best time to work on the arms. A punching bag has long been on my Christmas list, but, alas, none of my gift-givers have paid any attention to it even though I listen to other people’s wishes all the time and always make sure I get them something they want instead of some piece of crap I’ll never use anyway– thanks for that scarf hanger from the clearance section at Marshall’s, you cheap, careless motherf—

*happy thoughts*

Anyway, back to the arms. Arms are super important. You need them to eat things, like donuts and cookies, so it’s important you treat all of your body well, and pay them good attention during a workout. Being angry allows you to put extra effort into them. If you don’t have a punching bag (like me…), you can use a pillow, a cloth bag stuffed with cotton balls/paper/tissue, or something of the like. Then punch it to inanimate death! Make sure it’s firm enough to take your punches but soft enough so you can take the punches. Unless you like pain, then by all means just use a large rock or Kris Jenner’s soul.

It also really helps if you have a picture of someone you dislike (strongly) to tape onto said object. I can promise you it will increase the intensity and reps of your workout. It may also make you shout unpleasant things out loud. At least, that is the case with me. That’s why I like doing it in private or in the presence of people I don’t really care about, like my family.

2. Write an Angry Letter

I cannot emphasize enough how effective this is. I have done it multiple times and while it may not make my feelings completely evaporate, it does make me at least sigh in relief at the end. Finally, I was able to call so-and-so the things I never could in person.

When you do this, do not hold anything back. There is no room for decorum in these letters. Or grammar. You write whatever you want no matter how terrible, sadistic, or just plain mean it is, without worrying about punctuation, or word choice, or spelling, or run-on sentences because I can guarantee you there will be plenty of those since the anger rushing through your veins will not allow for you to stop and consider if you should put a period there and continue with a new sentence or at the very least a semicolon for goodness sake you just go on and on and on until you’re satisfied and want to make another f-ing sentence screw grammar.

After you are done, remember to sign it with your lovely signature and fold the paper(s) neatly three times, the long way, and then burn it. Most likely, whatever you just wrote should not be seen by another living human. You will never want the recipient of this letter to get it, trust me. That’s the point of this exercise. It is simply meant to be cathartic. If you had the balls to say all of those things to the person’s face, you would have done it already instead of writing it out like a sissy.

3. Throw Things

Yes, like a 10 year-old child who needs to be put in time-out, except now there is no one to put you in time out. Yayyyyy adulthood!

I suggest that you not throw anything valuable, but the more value something has, the better it feels during the throw. The trouble is that after you throw it, you’ll be met with instant regret. Unless it didn’t belong to you; then hurry up and leave the scene.

It also helps if you throw said things at other things. There’s no fun in throwing objects in the air. There’s no satisfying conclusion, no sound or vibration to let you know you might have caused damage to something. Possible damage is key for this to work (like with unprotected sex). Walls are great for having things thrown at. As are people… but you can’t do that. I guess that’s the point of this blog. Darn it.

4. Clean

Yet another cathartic exercise that has dual purposes.

For those of you who scoff at the idea of cleaning, like you silly modern-age feminists with jobs and abortions and what-not, it becomes much less of a chore when you stop thinking it’s a chore. Think of it instead as a way to direct your frustration at something you have control of.

For example, you have no control over whether Shirley gets fired or not but you do have control over the food crumbs lying under your couch. You have no control over a certain person’s death (not legally, anyway), but you do have control over the death of counter-top stains! Both things in each scenario are equally annoying, but only one you can fix.

At the end, you will have a new, clean space to dwell in your slightly-less-intense rage. Just make sure tip #3 on this list is done before this one.

5. Write a Blog Advising People on How to Deal With Their Anger So You Can (Hopefully) Forget Your Own



That’s it! That’s the beautiful advice I leave you with in this beautiful new year. 2015 is going to be great for all of us. (:

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go work out by throwing angry letters at people I hate and then clean up afterward. Also, instead of angry letters, I’ll be using rocks.

Your beloved blogger,

*Wow this blog post is a lot more violent than I had planned it to be…


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