Recently, NYC mayoral candidate and the face (penis) of sexting-gone-wrong, stated that his rough and controversial campaign represents the city’s renowned fighting spirit and ability to bounce back from tough situations. If anything, his situation helps him identify with “many New Yorkers who wake up everyday with a pretty tough day ahead of them.”
I can make fun of Weiner like everybody else but that’s not the type of person I am. Always pulling for the little guy, I am going to defend him on this one.
And yes, “little guy” is a euphemism for penis.
Besides, I think when a politician named Weiner gets involved in a sex scandal like this, it’s simply too easy. It’s a gift from the comedy gods that should not be abused.
We thank you for this truly disturbing gift.
So here is a list I composed, after taking a couple doses of 5 Hour Energy and some unlabeled pills, of why Weiner should be given (yet) another chance:
1. He’s got balls.
There’s something to be said about a man who would put himself out there in such a fashion, make himself a public laughing stock, and still pursue major political office seemingly unfazed.
And I’m just talking about keeping the last name Weiner.
Then, just as people were starting to forget (somewhat, kind of, not really) about his little mistake, more pictures surfaced to scar the minds of everybody on Earth once again. (Yes, even indigenous tribes in the Amazon with no connection to the modern world whatsoever were cringing for days.)
So what does he decide to do?
Apologize? Think of another excuse? Pull out of the race?
Nope. Why? Because he’s a dick. A dick you want for mayor.
2. He’s being jerked off… by the media.
This whole scandal has been a joyride for this circus of a media we now have. While they may appear to express disgust and disappointment, they are secretly yearning (horny) for Weiner to screw up once again so they can stop reporting on boring stories about the economy and immigration reform and blah blah blah.
I mean, there is a gawky-looking politician with the name Weiner who literally has pictures of his wiener online. I never went to journalism school or anything but I believe the technical term for such a story is “perfection.”
So don’t be fooled, small-minded American viewers, Anthony Weiner is not such a bad guy. Those news reporters are just cockblocking you from the best thing that ever happened to New York since Woody Allen.
3. He still got a good head (on his shoulders).
A little evidence of his disgusting perversion does not bring down the quality of his leadership. It doesn’t erase the fact that he was the smart and determined representative and councilman from New York who helped revitalize Sheepshead Bay, pushed for affordable heath care, improved the condition of developments, and became an active supporter of gay rights.
Besides, since when did we hold politicians up to such a high, moral standard? Look at Clinton… ( or Clarence Thomas, JFK, Grover Cleveland, Barney Frank, everybody else on this list I found).
When it comes to the government, sometimes we have to settle. If we, the American people, keep holding savior-like expectations for our country’s leaders, we’ll be left with very boring news and a lot of disappointment.
Keep reminding yourself: it’s not the size of the boat, it’s whether or not that boat will keep you from sinking into economic depression.
4. Mayors need to be a little nuts.
Especially the mayor of a city like New York. I’m guessing that a good majority of New Yorkers are at least somewhat insane; partially because of the noise but mostly because of the tourists:
In order to deal with the daily problems and complaints of the city’s citizens, Weiner can’t be a normal, non-penis-photographing politician. Where is the New York in that?
Weiner had to show that while he looks like your typical upstanding Jew, his actions show that he can be as crazy and prone to public indecency as an average, teenage vagrant. He is the people’s mayor, and by people I mean those like this guy:
5. You Gotta’ Keep Pushing for The Weiner
To quote The Weiner, “‘Quit’ isn’t the way we roll in New York City. We fight through tough things; we are a tough city.”
That’s right New York City, don’t be a chicken and give up on your beloved Weiner. You’ve endured so much; don’t let one (or two or three or goodness knows how many many he has) lewd online photographs be your foil.
Harness the shamed candidate’s go-getter attitude, his unbeatable spirit, and keep riding the Weiner wagon through its ups-and-downs until the climax is reached, and you both realize it was worth it all along.
Or, hang your head over the toilet and drink away the consequences of your terrible decision like everybody else.
Besides, what assurance do you have that Christine Quinn’s record is completely clean?
So New Yorkers, I hope my innuendo-filled blog post helped you with your upcoming decision.
By the way, if you fill out your ballot by writing in “Carlos Danger,” I will love you forever.
Your beloved blogger,
NOTE: Don’t write in Carlos Danger. I don’t want complaints that I’m making irresponsible citizens out of my non-existent readers.