Whether you are spending January 1st party-hopping, relaxing with family, or holding your friend’s head over the toilet, I hope 2013 will be kind to you.
Remember last year? 2012? When we were blasting Foster the People through our Bose headphones pretending to actually care about the election but really thinking about how Gangnam Style got so popular and why . All while contemplating an apocalypse that never came.
Gee those were good times.
However, we must go on, and as we go on, we must leave behind what we held most dear in the past year.
And what we held most dear in the past year were, let’s admit it, mostly stupid.
So here are 5 things I beg you (and society in general) to leave in 2012:
5. The term “ratchet” (in ghetto form)
From what I understand, this term was popularized by a YouTube video to describe a female who “thank sh3 izzz @ll dat && a baq of chipzz buhh sh3 AINT.”
What I also understand that I don’t think many other people do is that there are many other words in the dictionary that can be used in place of that word that doesn’t make an individual sound so…
So please, restore “ratchet” to its original meaning, and stop using it 50 times in a sentence because if the slang term get placed in the dictionary.
For if the term continues on its miserable trail onto 2013, Noah Webster will rise up from the grave and kill us all. With ratchets.
4. Mentions of Mitt Romney
The election is done, over, ba-bye. The outcome has been reached; except for maybe in Florida. We let go of Kerry and McCain with great (quick) ease, can’t we do the same for him? Yes, yes we can.
3. Gangnam Style Parodies
I am not one of those people who are afraid to admit that they love this song.
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to reword the lyrics, attempt to do the dance, and upload the video to YouTube.
Which is why I am asking the YouTube community to STOP WITH THE GANGNAM STYLE PARODIES.
Honestly, if I see one more of these videos, I’m going to turn into a none-so-happy and not-so-gangnam-dancing Asian.
2. Gay Bieber Jokes
No one knows if the slightly high-pitched singer is telling the truth when he declares his sexuality or if Selena Gomez is really his girlfriend and not a cover-up.
But get this: no one knows if he’s not either. (It’s a crazy world, isn’t it?)
So like what we did with N-Sync, let’s just let the girls go crazy, slowly forget, and then react with apathetic shrugs when the People magazine headline comes out in 10 years.
1. Kim Kardashian (& company)
I know it’s hard America, I know.
For years, the Kardashian clan has become a cornerstone of American pop culture, the building blocks of modern television. It’s hard to remember a time when those titles were held by “All in the Family,” or Jerry Seinfeld or Aaron Spelling.
But think about it: I just made a comparison between honored TV legends and Kim Kardashian (& company). It’s time for an intervention.
Let’s leave the Armenian clan behind and fill our clogged arteries with hours of America’s newest exploited sweetheart: Honey Boo Boo
I swear she is Kim and Kanye’s lovechild.
I hope you all have a wonderful 2013. I’m gonna go have a talk with some Mayans.
Your beloved blogger,